You don't have to make music – the notion of actually making music carries with it too much pressure and mammalian cultural baggage.
If you were actually going to make music you'd have to confront ideas of meaning, history, non-verbal communication, evolution, sociology, ethics, technology, physics, alchemy, ontology, epistemology, psychology, economics, and how a jumped up wedding DJ with an accent can become one of the country's leading taste-makers.
These things are not only ugly to think about, but they are, as I am about to show in one quick swoosh of an outlay, entirely unnecessary.
So burn your Universities to the ground, and silence your chattering minds with Chinese synthesised liquids.
No, you don't have to actually make music, dear listener – all you need do is make something that sounds like music, and all of your problems will be solved.
The beat, for example, no doubt stretches back to our most primitive states.
- Perhaps an accidental mutation led to us enjoying the thud of a stomped foot at some post-hunt regathering, leading to a desire to hunt more in order to celebrate more and hear more thuds.
- Perhaps the beat of some drum reminded our brains of the bodily thump of running through a clearing, again on the hunt, the synthetic memory short-circuiting our adrenal circuits and giving us some rush or other, in turn strengthening neural pathways and therefore increasing our adrenaline on a real hunt, making us better at that practical task to such an extent that those who increased their hunting ability with this ritual caught prey at the expense of other packs and survived to gave us habits that persist to this day.
- Perhaps playing drums just gave the most intellectually bereft a means to attract a mate, and we're all doing them a favour.
SO, like pretty much everything we do, the point of the beat is to provide a way for us to engage in the rehearsal of cultural actions more integral to our survival than these overblown rehearsals themselves. Middle-of-the-road-bland-pop with a standardised beat and fantastical sexualised lyrics? Dislike a challenge? Good music by which to work to in one of Cameron's slave cubicles, while fantasising about “a life that doesn't so closely resemble hell”.
I mean, there are of course much broader hips to this, for example
BUT WAIT NOW STUPID
WHAT NEED FOR ANY OF IT?
RECALL WHAT GIFTS I HAVE GIVEN THEE
Kick on beat one, snare on three. Add some boom to that kick and some snappy high-end crunch on the snare.
Sounds like music to me. Fuck the needless theorising.
It takes the pressure off somewhat, does it not?
Of course, it doesn't. But it at least feels like it does.
Whose are the playing cards? Who cares.
SO WHAT HAVE YOU LEARNED?
Lucky you have learned that all you have to do is never, ever actually have fun, but just do things that make it feel like you're having fun.
At all times without end.
That's all you have to do.
Have fun doing that.
Summer's almost over.
P.S. We'll be giving musical lectures on these subjects in Germany this October. If you want tickets, you can win them, here (bring a notepad and an easel).